In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects – sorry, that’s the way the game is played.

Simple Duties
You make sure there’s plenty of gas in the car +1
You make sure there are barely enough fumes in the car to make it to the nearest gas station -1
You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb +1
You take out the recyclables at 4:30 pm, just as the truck pulls away-1

You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish +1
You leave them under the bed -5
You run the dishwasher when it is full +5

You go to her defense when she is being verbally accosted by a man at the
grocery store because she has 9 items in the express line+10
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings +5
But return with fudge, instead -5

You leave the toilet seat up -1
You leave the toilet seat up and you hear a splash at 1 am -25
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it’s empty 0
You replace the toilet-paper roll, but it’s backwards -1
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex -1

You make the bed +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets -1

You check out a suspicious noise at night 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something +5
You pummel it with a six iron +10
It’s her father -10

Social Engagements

You stay by her side the entire party 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy -2
Named Tiffany -4
When mingling, you hold your mate’s hand and gaze at her lovingly +1
When mingling, you introduce her as “the ol’ ball and chain” and pat her
affectionately -5
When at the party you never introduce her at all -10
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think
she is attractive, you say, “Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you” +1

Things Of A Disgusting Nature

You unclog a stopped-up toilet +6
You clean up cat, dog or human vomit +7
You get rid of a dead rodent +8
You disassemble the toilet to find her wedding ring that the 2-year old dropped in along with 15 pounds of toilet paper+15
And never say “I told you not to leave your ring on the bathroom counter “+25
You take her mother to see Cats +30

Saturday Afternoon

You go to the mall together +3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car +4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar -2
You go to the mall together and spend 2 hours in the ladies dept watching her try on new dresses +5
You spend 2 hours watching her try on dresses, then when she decides on the first one she tried you just smile and pay the cashier+10

You spend the day shopping for wallpaper & agree with her that the pink one with the roses climbing the trellis is the best +4
You insist on putting the wallpaper up yourself to save money-5
You put the wallpaper up within a month of buying it +1
You put it up and it stays up+4

You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it +3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional 0

You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk +3
Most of it chips and soda -6

You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den +15
Or refinishing the floors +16
Or rewiring the basement +17
Or adding a second floor +18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket -6
And you’re tickled pink about it -15

You visit her parents +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television -3
And the television is off -6
You spend the afternoon watching football in your underwear -6

Her Birthday

You take her out to dinner 0
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar +1
Okay, it is a sports bar -2
And it’s all-you-can-eat night -3
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team -10

You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player +3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing+4
And you stink +2
And you’re not half bad +5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you’re escorted out to much applause -2

You give her a gift 0
You give her a gift, and it’s a small appliance -10
You give her a gift, and it’s not a small appliance +1
You give her a gift, and it isn’t chocolate +2
You give her a gift that you’ll be paying off for months +30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day -10
With her credit card -30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big -40

Thoughtfulness

You forget her birthday completely -10
You forget your anniversary -20

You forget to pick her up at the bus station -25
Which is in Newark, New Jersey -35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast -50

Her Night Out

You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work friends +5
She goes out with her annoying work friends,and she comes home late +10
You wait up +15

A Night At Home

You watch TV together 0
You rent a movie +1
You rent a movie and it’s SENSE & SENSIBILITY +3
It’s SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout +5
It’s SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep -1
It’s SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool -2

A Night Out

You take her to a movie +2
You take her to a movie she likes +4
You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Barbra Streisand) +6
You take her to a movie you like -2
It’s called DeathCop 3 -7
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans and sheepdogs -15

Flowers

You buy her flowers only when it’s expected 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the heck of it +5
You give her wildflowers you’ve actually picked yourself +10
And she contracts Lyme disease -25

Your Physique

You develop a noticeable potbelly -15
You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it +10
You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts -5
You buy a membership to the gym to get in shape +2
You tell her she ought to come along as you’ve noticed her getting a little “chubby”-10

Grooming

You trim your nails +5
You trim your nails in the living room -10
You trim your nails and flick them at the cat -15

You shave on the weekends +2
You don’t shave on the weekends -4
You don’t bathe on the weekends either -8
But then, neither does she +8

You buy her a bottle of dandruff shampoo-2
You buy her a bottle of dandruff shampoo for her birthday-10

Finances

You spend a lot of money on something impractical -5
It’s for her +20

Driving

You lose the directions on a trip -4
And refuse to stop and ask for help-5
And end up getting lost -10
In a bad part of town -15
And meet the locals up close and personal -25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt -60

The Big Question

She asks, “Do I look fat?” -5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding -10
You reply, “Where?” -25
You reply, “Yes”-100